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Welcome
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counseling
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from clients
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Living in
Germany
Adjusting to
Life in Germany
Being in
a Cross Cultural
Relationship
Difficulties with
German Language
Private
English Lessons
Private
Englisch Stunden
Impressum
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Being in a
cross-cultural relationship
Each ethnic group, society,
country, and even community has a set of values and beliefs about what is
important and what is “true.” People will usually “carry” these cultural
values with them, even when they live in another place and have decided to
reject their old cultural identity or “take on” the values of the new society or
country.
When a person from one culture is
in a relationship with someone from a different culture, it is likely that these
cultural differences will “show up” in the relationship. These differences
might be something that a couple appreciates in each other; or the couple
notices them but doesn’t care one way or another; or the couple might not
notice them at all; or the differences could be a source of conflict.
I want to give some examples of
cultural differences I’ve seen in relationships, and suggest how they could lead
to conflict. Some are significant, some are minor. But each one has been a
source of conflict. I’ll start with my relationship with my wife, and then
share some examples from friends and clients.
My wife comes from a farming
village in Germany. I grew up in a suburb of New York City and have almost
always lived in big cities. When we first lived together, and would shop for
food, my wife would usually buy the same food that she would eat on the farm,
depending on the season. So, she would never buy salad in the winter; that’s
something that you eat in summer. And oranges or bananas? Never. They don’t
grow in Germany. On the other hand, I would buy whatever I thought might taste
good. I’d bring it home and she won’t eat it. And I was bored with what she
brought home.
She, like many Germans, has a sense
that it is important to follow rules, and that there is a certain way to do
things. I, like many people from the US, believe that anything is possible and
we follow the rules when we want to. I’ve gotten frustrated with her when I
think her perspective is too narrow; she has gotten nervous when I want to do
things that aren’t “allowed” in Germany.
» All these names are pseudonyms. I changed names and some details for
confidentiality.
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Ulrike was born and
raised in Germany and Vikas, her husband, comes from India. For
Ulrike, sharing her feelings, and talking about some painful things that
have happened in her life are important. It is way for her to communicate
to her husband why she sometimes needs time to herself and may appear like
she doesn’t want to be with him. Vikas grew up in a small village and
always had family around him. He believes that it is important to find
happiness in the present and “put away” the painfulness of the past. This
is a strategy that has worked well for him in his life. He gets impatient
when she wants to share her feelings and experiences; she feels
discounted that he doesn’t want to know about this part of her. |
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Julia is also from Germany and her husband,
Ngama, comes from Tanzania. Ngama, like Vikas, comes from a very
communal, collective society. That means that family is always nearby,
and the idea of being alone is strange, and maybe an indication that
something is wrong with the person who wants to be alone. Also,
everything is shared in his family; since he has a good job in Germany,
he is expected to support family members back home (who number about 75)
and they feel free to ask him, “what do you have for me?” Julia comes
from a very individualistic society – Germany – and likes and needs time
alone. When she visits Ngama’s family, it’s stressful for her to always
be around people. And, she believes that saving money is important. Ngama
gives money away and thinks, “there will be more tomorrow.” Julia thinks,
“if we don’t save money, we won’t have any.” She said to me one time,
“I’m sort of a pessimist, and Ngama is an optimist. And I think that’s
typical of Germans and many Africans.” |
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Richard and Esmeralda have the same
issue with money, although he is English and she is from Brazil. For
her, money is something that you share with friends, and if you need some
money, you ask your friends. Richard likes the idea of her generosity,
but he worries that he and Esmeralda won’t have enough for themselves.
She doesn’t worry about that; what she does worry about is getting
attacked by skin heads because of her dark skin. Richard has white skin
and looks like a “typical German,” and he doesn’t worry about skin heads.
He thinks that she is being paranoid; she thinks that he is blind to
German hostility against immigrants. |
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Kristina and Susan recently married in
Germany a year ago; Susan comes from Canada, Kristina from Germany.
Susan is trying to learn German, but she’s never had much success at
learning a second language. She tried French as a student in Canada, but
always got failing grades. Because she doesn’t speak much German, it’s
not much fun to spend time with Kristina’s friends, and she’s having a
hard time finding a good job in Germany. She’s flown back to Canada
several times for consulting work, and while it pays well and is
satisfying, she isn’t really creating a life for herself in Germany.
She’s beginning to wonder, “was it a good idea to marry Kristina and move
to Germany?” |
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Günter has been married for 15 years to
Consuela, a Latin American woman. They speak English with each other,
but because English is neither of their native languages, they frequently
have communication problems. And the style in which they speak is
radically different: he is serious, careful with his words, and formal;
she is expressive with her hands, repeats her statements to make a point,
and cries and laughs frequently. She has tried to learn German, but finds
it really difficult. Günter learns languages easily and tells her, “You
just have to try harder.” |
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Miguel and Karin met in Peru and moved
to Germany a year ago to be closer to Karin’s parents. Miguel had a good
job in Peru, but feels pretty lost in Germany: he is struggling to learn
German, he hasn’t found a job here, and he is dependent on Karin for
money. She thinks, “He left his home country for me, and I want him to be
happy and successful here. He isn’t, so what I am doing wrong?” She also
feels pressure from friends and family to get Miguel integrated quickly
into German society. For example, they say to her, “You should teach him
German.” She tries, but he resents it. “I want to enjoy our relationship
and be partners,” he says. “I don’t want to be your student.” |
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Lilly and Jürgen have been dating for a
couple of years. She was born in China, grew up in Germany, and considers
herself both Chinese and German. When she tries to talk with Jürgen about
her Chinese heritage, he says, “That doesn’t matter to me.” Like many
Germans, he believes that everyone living in Germany should take on the
values of German culture and “become German.” But she thinks, “I am both
German and Chinese. I speak both languages, I’ve adjusted to German life,
and being Chinese is very important to me.” |
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As you read these, you may have
thought: these are personality differences, not cultural differences. While it
is impossible to know exactly where these differences come from – some may be
based in personality -- my experience tells me that cultural differences are
real, and that they can cause conflicts.
When I’m meeting with couples who
have conflicts like these, I encourage them to talk about their differences and
try to understand each other without judging each others’ cultural values as
“good” or “bad.” I encourage them to learn about each others’ differences, and
to understand why certain differences are so important to someone else.
With time, I believe that couples can and often do learn to
appreciate and even “adopt” each others’ cultural values.
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